When Being Nice is Not Kind

(Hint: the best leaders are not always nice)

A headline recently caught my eye: "Are you too nice? When Being Kind Backfires." It was the second part that rankled me. Because, while being "too nice" is something many of my clients (and I) struggle with from time to time, being kind is a whole different ball of wax. Who hasn't struggled with saying Yes, when we should have said No, or volunteered for a project to look good in the eyes of our superiors rather than coming from our passion? Learning boundaries is essential to becoming and accepting our true selves; to living a life of service, passion and ease.

Always being nice is unsustainable.

But "nice" and "kind" are not the same thing. They come from entirely difference sources. And the difference between the two is the difference between leaders and worker bees. If you see yourself as a leader or want to be one, listen up. Nice comes from wanting to please, needing to be liked -- no matter what the cost. And the cost for acting out of these needs has a serious effect over time. Saying Yes in service of being liked, of not displeasing other people, can cause deep resentment in the short term. In the long term, aiming to please over and over, erodes one's sense of self. We become hollowed out, burned out and angry -- or just plain exhausted.

Kindness is not always nice.

Being nice also comes from the energy of charity and pity. Here me out. Being nice comes from the belief that "If I want it done right, I have to do it myself" or, "If I don't do it, nobody will." These comments that I hear often (and even say in no so many words to myself) come from a core belief that we are better than others. We are martyring ourselves with a sort of self-sacrificing and self-pitying holier-than-thou attitude. This is opposite of kind. It is acting from a miserly belief that others can't learn and aren't even capable of learning what we do so well. People can feel that. Who wants to follow someone, or risk growth for someone who does not believe in them?

Doing it yourself perpetuates others not learning.

Of course, not everyone wants to hear No. But don't let other people's short term happiness be the measure of your kindness. Indeed, sometimes No is the kindest act. Especially when our No's are born of our need for self-care. While culture (corporate and otherwise) might try to shame us, when we say Yes to our own needs, we set an example to others; we demonstrate that knowing yourself and acting from that place is an act of leadership.This is the sort of leadership that is sustainable. Saying Yes only because we feel it makes us look good will end in burnout and resentment. People will only take advantage of you if you let them. So don't let them.

Leadership Starts With Self-Awareness.

The ultimate act of kindness begins with the self. I'm not talking about narcissism. That's common enough. But I'm talking about true kindness that begins with investigating who we really are, our preferences and deal breakers. Leadership starts with self-awareness. builds to self-acceptance. When we act from this core sense of self, we sometimes make decisions that aren't popular -- especially if they're new. Change is hard. It's a cliche, yes, but many people initially choose familiarity over growth. And growth is, by nature, at least a little uncomfortable.

So is being yourself. I recently learned (see my last post) that when I am truly myself -- not trying to win people over -- I might not be liked. But when I let go of the need for others to like me, in service of authenticity, there is less likelihood that people "won't get me." When I am truly myself, I am seen. Strangely, I feel less alone. When I'm no longer acting out of apology for being "too much" or "not nice" there is much more space to be compassionate, patient and curious.

This is where kindness lives.

Kindness isn't about popularity. It means sometimes saying the thing that isn’t comfortable — in service of growth. Being kind breeds trust. Kindness is ultimately an act of dignity. When we treat ourselves with dignity we are able to treat others the same. This might mean letting go of tasks and delegating them to others. Kindness means believing in other's gifts, skills and unique contributions. It means believing in our own talents and quirks. Nice is photoshop. Kind is the portrait with all the flaws: the eyes burning bright, the listening deep and the heart on fire. It's sometimes messy. But it grows cultures and lasts a lifetime.

What kind of leader are you?